Acceptance

I miss you

Not in the big way... not in the grand, I need to get you back way or I can’t stand to share you way...
I miss you in the little things ...

In the, I just did something mischievous and I need to tell you.
In the, I have this sweet gossip and I’m itching to tell you.

Why do I have a win, and I can’t run and tell you. I could only properly brag with you.
Because you felt like an extension of me. With you, I could fully be myself. Bare.. flaws and all.
I can remember how in the beginning I wondered why I was so chatty with you and you’d just urge me to keep talking. I didn’t get it, I couldn’t get it. You’d just look at me and watch me closely as I spoke. Your eyes not leaving for a second. You always wanted me to express myself, you always looked at me like I was some type of mystery, your favorite puzzle you wanted to figure out, layer by layer.

My favorite things are when we have this little back and forth and you’d brag about, how well you knew me, how you knew me like the back of your palm. I’d retort with, “you can’t know anybody that well” then you’d start listing things to prove just how wrong I was. 

Saying things that’d end up being so true and things that I couldn’t possibly tell you about me. Things that could only be seen by someone who was truly looking. You saw me, Temi. The same way I saw you.
We could be at opposite ends of the room and from how you look, I could guess five possible things going on in your mind and I guarantee a match.

That is what happens when you fall in love with your best friend. Would I do that again? No, because Here I am, grieving the loss of my lover and my best friend.

Do I still think we are soul mates? A kindred pair? Yes, I do. But how can two souls that belong together go adrift?

Sometimes, I think and wonder what your responses would be to things I burn to say to you “faves, I am so proud” “if anybody could do it, it would be you” “this girl, why are you like this” “Okoto gbe”... Every-time I am called “Faves” it stands out in my head, I remember how the name came about; Over my plate of food before we moved to eat yours.

I can still pick up the phone and we’d talk but there’s this new thing I’m on about, “boundaries”. It just changes everything.

I hate that I’m remembering this in past tense. 

What I’d give right now, to have one of those days, where we sit down in the car to eat, gist and laugh. The kind of laugh that cackles from deep inside and in that moment, everything feels good, great and I am genuinely happy because I’d rather be there than anywhere else.

what I'd give to have those long walks right now. No distance was ever too far for us. No silence, too long.

 I miss our fights so much, we fought as hard as we loved. Making up was my favorite time, we spend all the time talking about how not to fight again. LOL.we were always looking for how to do better, love better, be better. it was what we always lived by. how to make what we had the best for us. I knew how to love you, I learnt how to love you, and loving you was what I did, up to the very last moment. 

 
Now, I hate that you have “good banter” with someone else.. what does that even me? So you get her jokes and she gets your jokes the exact same way? Because you mention how y’all talk for hours and it is refreshing.

The loss of a lover will never hurt like the loss of you, my best friend.
You were my person in every sense of the word and this pain ripped every part of my insides. It hurt me more than any other kind of pain I have experienced. So scalding, I felt my heart squeeze tighter than usual physically.

Why do I have to miss you? I don’t want to have to miss you? I don’t want to have to replicate this connection with anybody else. It felt so good and I fear I won’t feel it again or ever. I want to hold on, to the late-night conversations, the sheer vulnerabilities we shared, the lows, the highs, the laughs, and everything.

What made it so special was feeling like we both haven’t had this before... it was a first for both of us.. is it petty that I am sad that you are out there having this with someone else? Having the laughs? Looking at her? loving on her? Lol. Ok.

Now, I’m going on dates thinking about how different every other person is.
Maybe Difference isn’t entirely a bad thing, it might just be a new thing that needs getting used to.

 Goodbye Ónitémi